Chiquain – Friend


Friend.

Or foe?

Outstretched your hand

You let me know.

Unequivocally.

Away.

You’re Gone.

The hand, retracted.

I Did wrong? Friend

Redacted.

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cinquain


FRIEND

Friend.

Or foe?

Outstretched your hand

You let me know.

Unequivocally.

Away.

You’re Gone.

The hand, retracted.

I Did wrong? Friend

Redacted.

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Narcolepsy – A funny thing about sleep


Narcolepsy – A funny thing about sleep.

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Me, Myself and I on Sunday (Bloody Sunday!)


Sunday Afternoon – I’m watching an old John Lennon interview/concert (classic collections) and writing this ‘blog’ and wondering why the fuck am I writing ? Who would want to read about the mundane goings on in my life? Probably no-one as its just at this point, another glorified ‘face-book status update; but hey, I’m writing for me, myself and I really. I don’t interrupt, or contradict, or argue or answer back… so I’m a pretty good audience you could say:-)
My mind keeps drifting backwards; to Davy… when it got to the first week after he’d died, then the second Saturday, then third and fourth and its just passed five weeks (and one day) since he died. People still ask me ‘how are you’, but what can I say? That my heart feels like its carrying a millstone and dragging me under; that by the way, when you see me in the water, I’m drowning not waving? No. I can’t say that and its not what anybody wants to hear anyway. I think people expect you to have ‘got over it by now’. Like ‘ it ‘ was some bad case of the man-flu… take a spoonful of Benylin and you’ll be right… Only people who have lost somebody VERY close, where that loss has shaken them to the very fibres of their being… where they’ve lost a person who nobody else came above, could come above them, only a person who has experienced that intensity of pain and the gaping void that you are left to live with, only THEY will know instinctively, intuitively, that this isn’t something that you ‘get over’, or be’ alright now’ about… but a slow, arduous process of really resurrecting yourself out of your own dying. Because a part of you does die with them… and a part of you wishes you hadn’t been left alone to live without them…. I’m not depressed per se. It might soind like that, I’m just in pain still and trying to get through each day, one at a time, until one day, I might reflect on the fact that the millstone hadn’t weighed so heavily… that’s what I’m waiting for. When the desolation of feeling completely isolated, doesn’t pain quite so much. It makes me shudder and catch my breath to think that there is no longer someone out there in the ‘big bad world’, loving me, caring about me, worrying for my health if I have a brain aneurysm again. Nobody sending their love through messages with friends in common and acquaintances… nobody asking where’s ‘yer mam’ and dropping in to see me with little anecdotes, jokes and sometimes little thoughtful gifts. A pen, a bracelet, a bar of chocolate, a packet of smokes. All the little things that when you add them up, make the sum total of your life’s summary of love for that person; their love for you… take that away and what do you have left? A mighty chasm and a black abyss of ‘aloneness’. But you gotta keep your ‘best face on’, nod to the platitudes and foot your best foot forward. And as this song was mentioned the other day, which for me is quite poignant, just gotta live your life going thru the motions, giving a performance worthy of an oscar… but doing it all ‘Alone again… Naturally… ‘

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Writing Settings ‹ Catinahat68’s Blog — WordPress


Writing Settings ‹ Catinahat68’s Blog — WordPress.

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Beginning


*” Where shall I begin, Please, your Majesty?” He [the white rabbit] asked.” Begin at the beginning”, the king said gravely’ and go on till you come to the ither end: then stop’.Lewis Carroll – ‘Alice’s Adventure’s in Wonderland ch.12 (1865)

” Where shall I begin, Please, your Majesty?” He [the white rabbit] asked.” Begin at the beginning”, the king said gravely’ and go on till you come to the ither end: then stop’.Lewis Carroll – ‘Alice’s Adventure’s in Wonderland ch.12 (1865)

Hello World, that is, people at the macro level (I don’t mean the ‘cash and carry’ warehouse either).;

hello everyone in MY world , that is the habitees of planet Cat…(which tends to narrow it down slightly).

Well, as I’m a virgin blogger on a ‘maiden voyage’, I shall endeavour to keep this first one short n sweet. I am impressed though at the wealth of resources, apps and cyber tools that are out there…. incredible! Its like spawning a new life; the ‘ not-so-secret’ diary of Cat (inahat) Hughes, age 42 and half and seeing where this will take me… a voyage of intrigue and exploits; an expedition  of self-discovery and big adventures…!

Oh please –  spare  me the self-indulgent verbal crap and get back to basics, I hear the little devil on my left shoulder say…

So, here we are. Its October 1st 2010 Anno Domini. Its been seven months exactly, since my brain decided to ‘spontaneously combust’ and piss out blood into the small space between its outer surface and my skull. I use the term ‘spontaneous combustion’, quite loosely; insomuchas, it didn’t actually just self-ignite and set itself on fire, like the cases depicted in those perversely fascinating journals. You know the ones I’m talking about, with banal titles like, ‘ “science – the unexplained.” No, It was rather more mundane than that. The only ‘bells and whistles’ going that night, were the ones attached to my ambulance and even then, there were no exciting fancy automobile manouvres; no hand break turns around 45 degree angled corners that appeared suddenly out of perfectly straight road; no wheelies or screeching of breaks, leaving impressive streaks of oil-slick skids and tyre tracks in their wake, like roman candles on November 5th… no blazing the trails… It was strangely undramatic, to the point of surreal, for what was actually, a matter of my life, or death. Without embellishment, It was quite simply, very noble men and women, going about their working duties, in a quietly confident and efficient manner. Not for ‘The Stig’ was this event…A stoic white ambulance that had seen it all before… Lamborghini and ‘Stigless’, one could say this wasn’t going to make prime time news, But it was MY event.  MY brain.. and MY carotid dissection causing MY strokes. So I’m not going to dilute it down by putting celebrity above valour!  I know who my heroes were that night; my ‘behind the scenes celebrities’, hereoes whose names I never would get to know… and they were not carrying autograph pens and all that crap… because it would only hinder their work anyway… And So it was, my brain went AWOL exactly 7 months ago today.

I hereby declare this day as being, not just the first day of October 2010, but the first day of the beginning of the rest of my life! See y’all soon kids;-)

Catinahat X

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